Honeywell CEO Declares Open Season on Elk, Vows Showdown at Birthday Party


Reporter Mike Elk, on Democracy Now!

June 1, 2012

Washington, DC — Just moments after fleeing a tough question from labor journalist Mike Elk, Honeywell CEO David Cote vowed revenge on Thursday from a private conference room in the Capitol building. After weeping for several minutes, Cote is said to have declared “open season” on Elk, who will turn 26 this weekend, according to several people present at the time.

Cote is said to have urged associates to target Mike Elk at his birthday party this weekend, saying “we can’t let this journalist ratfucker live another year. It’s open season on Elk, starting right now.” Witnesses said Cote later calmed down only after listening several times to the track “It’s a Hard Knock Life” by Jay-Z, the CEO’s favorite artist. Details of Elk’s birthday were recently detailed in The Nation, increasing the likelihood of a showdown between Cote associates and friends of Elk.

The beef between Cote and Elk also has potential ramifications for the Presidential campaign. Reached for comment early on Friday, White House spokesman Jay Carney initially said he was unaware of a planned event today involving President Obama and Cote, referring additional questions to the campaign. Carney later emailed a correction, writing that he meant to say he was unaware of whether “the President was personally aware of Cote’s remarks, if they were said, and whether or not they will have any impact on the planned appearance at this point in time.”

The Romney campaign, sensing a potential flap with a high profile Obama donor, sought to drive a wedge between Obama and Cote. In a statement emailed to reporters, Romney spokesman Eric Fehrnstrom wrote “We don’t know exactly what Cote said, but whatever it was, if he said it, we stand by it. President Obama’s equivocation on this matter is further proof of his failed leadership on the economy. If he won’t lock and load with a job creator like David Cote, then he certainly can’t lead this country, which depends on people like Cote to keep labor costs low and productivity high. Governor Romney is an avid hunter, and he loves hunting Elk.”

Elk’s friends vowed to protect the young journalist. “Only one person is allowed to bag Mike at his party, and that’s me,” said Elk’s girlfriend, Rania Khalek.

“I’m not actually a medical doctor, but I’m prepared to operate if something happens. I’ve done a couple of minor surgeries, you know, scissor and duct tape jobs,” said Jesse Van Tol, often affectionately referred to as “Doc” by Mr. Elk. “Mostly I’m just going to stand by [Elk roommate and labor activist] Roy Houseman. That dude can kick some serious shit. If they come looking for Mike, we’ve got news for them: This Elk’s got antlers. Sharp ones.

Some party goers seemed unperturbed by the threat of violence. “Mike Elk’s place is always chill as fuck,” said Elk confidant Dave Haffner. “I’d like to see them try to shoot Mike. A rolling stone gathers no fucking moss, and Mike is a motherfucking boulder. That dude can break it down all the way down the mountain.” A massive dance party has been planned at the event in order to “fight off hate with love,” according to party organizers.

Mike Elk was characteristically excited by the confrontation. “When I asked that question, I was just like pop pop pop, y’know,” his voice breaking into a deep italo-yinzer accent, just as it did when he asked the question of Cote. “There were a lot of WASPs there and as soon as I started talking they were like this guy is wearing a suit, but he’s a dago – must be trouble you know. Then these fucking goombahs tried to drag me out of the room.

Asked whether he planned to take any precautions this weekend, such as wearing a bulletproof vest, Elk became apoplectic. “People who wear bulletproof vests are assholes and floppy dicks. I plan on bearing my chest, hair in the wind, like a real man. Maybe eat a few crabs, I dunno.”

It appears that the Elk will roam free this weekend, whatever the risks.

Cote and co.? “It’s hard to be a person of wealth, and it’s getting downright scary. My friends laugh at me, but I wear my bulletproof polo shirt every damn day,” said one close friend of David Cote, who asked not to be named for fear of reprisal. “While I find some peace and relaxation when I’m away from the masses on my super yacht, increasingly I’m thinking about seeking the expansive refuge of outer space.

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One Response to Honeywell CEO Declares Open Season on Elk, Vows Showdown at Birthday Party

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